Am I any closer to solving my dilemma of who I love the most, Edward or Jacob?
Nope.
But I will tell you that all this introspection has really got me in touch with what drives my feelings. It's not like it's a new thing for me, I pretty much set around thinking all the time, :D I'm an introverted kind of gal. I guess that's why you are reading this now. I formulate thoughts on something and it feels like it might bubble over if I don't get it out. Hence, blogging.
So anyway, back to Jacob and Edward. I'm reading Eclipse now and all this closeness between Edward and Bella is like a fix to a junkie. I can't get enough of it. And yet, when I put the book down to do annoyingly unavoidable stuff like, GO TO WORK, I find my mind drifting to Jacob.
Funny, isn't it? The story of Bella and Edward is what drives us all to turn those pages with vampire quick reflexes. Jacob's character may be considered by some readers as just a means to add friction and conflict to the story. But to me, he's that warm and fuzzy thing (literally) in the story that worms his way into my heart. His character, more so than any other besides Bella perhaps, grows (again, literally) and becomes more than what he starts out as. He's very human in that.
Through trial and triumph, his character develops. But he is always true to himself and looks at life through the eyes of an optimist. The light of his infectious happiness is addictive itself. Bella refers to Jacob as her own personal sun and I think that's an apt description of him. He has an undeniable pull for anyone lucky enough to be close to him, as any celestial body should. And I think that is one reason Jacob always nudges Edward out in my daydreams. I'm drawn in by his light, endearing, happy contentedness no matter how much my X chromosomes may demand that I yearn for the dark, complicated, brooding one.
These are all qualities that a real person could have. And even though he is no less fictitious than Edward, there is something inherently attainable about Jacob.
Nope.
But I will tell you that all this introspection has really got me in touch with what drives my feelings. It's not like it's a new thing for me, I pretty much set around thinking all the time, :D I'm an introverted kind of gal. I guess that's why you are reading this now. I formulate thoughts on something and it feels like it might bubble over if I don't get it out. Hence, blogging.
So anyway, back to Jacob and Edward. I'm reading Eclipse now and all this closeness between Edward and Bella is like a fix to a junkie. I can't get enough of it. And yet, when I put the book down to do annoyingly unavoidable stuff like, GO TO WORK, I find my mind drifting to Jacob.
Funny, isn't it? The story of Bella and Edward is what drives us all to turn those pages with vampire quick reflexes. Jacob's character may be considered by some readers as just a means to add friction and conflict to the story. But to me, he's that warm and fuzzy thing (literally) in the story that worms his way into my heart. His character, more so than any other besides Bella perhaps, grows (again, literally) and becomes more than what he starts out as. He's very human in that.
Through trial and triumph, his character develops. But he is always true to himself and looks at life through the eyes of an optimist. The light of his infectious happiness is addictive itself. Bella refers to Jacob as her own personal sun and I think that's an apt description of him. He has an undeniable pull for anyone lucky enough to be close to him, as any celestial body should. And I think that is one reason Jacob always nudges Edward out in my daydreams. I'm drawn in by his light, endearing, happy contentedness no matter how much my X chromosomes may demand that I yearn for the dark, complicated, brooding one.
These are all qualities that a real person could have. And even though he is no less fictitious than Edward, there is something inherently attainable about Jacob.
He may be a werewolf but his love is within the realm of believability. Edward's love is perfect and unerring. Edward's love is like him, to good to be true. Too good to even pretend to be true. And in that perfection lies the crux. His love is flawed in it's very nature. I find it hard to wrap my brain around such total consuming devotion. To my fantasizing mind, it's not even plausible to imagine such a love for myself. Because although I may be able to imagine a vampire or werewolf lover, I just can't seem to trick my head into believing anyone, human or otherwise, could honestly express feelings like Edward has for Bella.
Maybe that says more about me than it does about the love itself. Maybe it's a sign of some inner self deprecating notion. Maybe it's a sign of self contempt. ...I think I like me. I think it's more to do with my lack of ever finding what I've been looking for. I've had relationships. But I've never experienced any relationship that complimented or completed me in the fashion that Edward and Bella's love completes them.
And I know now that that has something to do with why I get so emotionally involved with the books. And why I feel so destitute every time I finish reading them. I am elated while reading. My mind pushes to the side the fact that I yearn for that kind of love and will never find it. Instead I focus on enjoying my voyeuristic view into this most coveted of fictional lives. I stave off the heartache of reality until the end, when I have no choice but to evaluate my own life in comparison, whether I want to or not. It just sort of happens.
Freshly after reading the saga, it's painfully obvious that I feel like something is missing. Not in a panicky kind of way either. In the sense that although I am totally content, I know that my experiences would be heightened if I had that perfect of soul mates to share each day with. I may step onto the porch to enjoy a beautiful moonlit night, or wonder at the invigorating electricity of a rainy day. No matter what, all things would be better if I could share it with an Edward, or especially a Jacob.
That's all the insight (ha ha) I have for right now. But be warned, my emotions run the gamut every other minute and I'm always on the precipice of an epiphany. So tomorrow's post may contradict this one completely.
Until next time, dream on fellow Twilighters.
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